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To Those Who Come (And Go)

Firstly, I would like to sincerely apologize for being overly dramatic, for having too much thoughts that don’t even make sense, and for somehow dwelling in such thoughts that it affects my waking life – and yours. I’m sorry for having to indirectly inflict you with such unhealthy habits of living inside my mind.

Believe me, I’ve never wanted to drag you in there because I want you to only see that part of me that you’ve liked from the start – probably the only part of me that anybody will like. I would put a sign on my forehead that says “Do Not Enter – Biohazard” just so we’re clear about what you’d be facing in case you wanted to try.

I’m not a  hopeless, pessimistic, clinically depressed individual. Trust me on this. The way that I’m wired only dictates that I be drawn to the occult, to the dark, and to the depressing. What makes it worse I guess is the fact that I do dwell on a lot of things, that I am inexpressive, and that I go back and forth into whether telling people about it makes it better or worse. Or worst-case scenario, make them judge me or scare them away.

I’m sorry if the way that I express my feelings – whether they be positive or negative – is to cry. It alarms certain people, so they might probably run for their lives thinking I’m cuckoo for crying too much.

I’m sorry if I look like a case of a manic-depressive, that during the day I’d be so happy and then at night I crash to below zero especially when I’m alone. I believe that the only time that I am mostly me is when I’m alone, even if that means living inside my head. Isn’t it scary?

But to those who know and still choose to stay, thank you. Know that I do and will always give you the best parts of me. Sometimes, it may even take years, but if you stick around long enough, that would be great.

I think that now, more than ever, would I be needing the people who chose to stay, because living inside my head sucks sometimes, and with all the pressures of an external world creating friction inside my mind, headaches get worse. Even more now that I can’t stop criticizing myself, persecuting myself for being so stupid. Taking mistakes as a learning curve isn’t as easy as other people think it is. For me, it takes months of beating yourself up because that’s the only time when the message gets across. And sometimes I would just need a constant reminder to take it easy sometimes.

Hey, this is what you get for knowing someone who’s 1% of the population. Maybe that’s why we’re so rare. Too much of us would be disastrous, I’m just one and I could drive someone crazy. So, yeah. If you choose to stick around, then great! If you choose to go, then I won’t blame you.

Hi.The INTP's View of the World

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